I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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