Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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