Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
