I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
