Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I've blown a few things in my day
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
