I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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