I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
