I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
