woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
