can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
