I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
