i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I had to cum in my sink.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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