You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
