My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
