Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
