8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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