You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
