awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
