I'm really into asian looking animals
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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