there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
