I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
