i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
