I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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