I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I cannot find my penis.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
