she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
