I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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