Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
