There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
