in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
