high people should be assigned attendants
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
