worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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