she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
