Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
