Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
