i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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