yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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