so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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