What a fucking waste of an outfit
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
