You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
