Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
