I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I love having hate sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
