I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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