Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
