Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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