I got chris browned last night
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
