I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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