The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Someone came in the potted fern
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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