i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
