So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
