Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
