I have demons in me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
