Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
