its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
