Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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