There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
