Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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