Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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