I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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