just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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