I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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